I’ve had a few mortality reminder type experiences in my life. These incidents were not in the “I saw the afterlife” sense (although I am a believer), but in the sense where you have to survive the present moment to make it through to the next and also the observation of those grim life lessons that teach you the immediate results of bad decisions.
I’ve seen a stranger bleed out on a Guatemalan highway after stepping in front of our van, there was nothing anyone could do and it took way too long for the ambulance to get there. It’s true that my time spent in the 3rd world opened my eyes and elevated my gratitude for this American life we have. A life that hangs so precariously, and depends with such fragility on the system we have. A life where I’ve woken up in the grassy median on a Texas freeway my foot pushing the accelerator to the floor, my mind suddenly revving up to unnatural speeds to deal with the situation. I have no memory of falling asleep, but a nice couple stopped to make sure I was OK, chastised me a little, told me they had thought I was a “gonner”, then gave me a Dr. Pepper. We never know when these times are upon us until we are very much in our own present, just trying to survive. Even on a relaxing vacation alone in nature, I slipped and fell, knocking myself out while fly-fishing and then waking up in the river.
I also think of the many times I ran towards danger in my previous career, not knowing what I would face. I remember the day I was told my coworker had eaten his gun when the SWAT team arrived during a child custody dispute with his wife. He always had a quick smile and something uplifting to say, then he was just gone and we stoically did our work. Many times I still feel that tense, ready, calm that you feel and see in the eyes of your team members before you make an arrest or execute an operation as we all played our part, never choreographed like you see in the movies, just men and women working through the situation. I can’t forget all the lessons I learned from the many, many interviews I did with people who had made the worst decisions in their lives.
Even the surreal events that happened from childhood, like a speeding drunk driver brushing my body with the side of his car when I walked home from elementary school or watching a crazed doper sick a pit-bull on my mother all indicating to me that life can change so quickly. The things that happened and we weren’t sure exactly how it came out alright. I can’t be the only person who grins in relief after these situations. I can only thank God I’m still here, and I do.
All these experiences are a reminder, to those that heed, that actions have consequences and that it’s very important to know what is real and what is not. I’ve never had the luxury to be creative with reality because that takes a lot of people around you shielding you from it. That is the life of a child. I guess some people have those kind of lives where the world they see is that ideal shining from their mind. I just know that I look back at times when if I hadn’t accept the Real, I wouldn’t be here.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t live in a world where everyone is good, and “nobody will ever hurt you sweetie, I’ll protect you”. I live in a world where survival is on my mind on a daily basis. I don’t live in a world where bad things happen to bad people and good things happen to good people. I just live here, in this world of beauty and ugliness, light and darkness, and I do keep my head on a swivel. I no longer Ask, Tell or Make people do what I command. I’m not a sheepdog anymore. I’m even more honest with the reality of myself now. I’m the wolf I always was.
I can’t guarantee I won’t wax philosophical in future posts, but I will try for more instructional, educational, observational and maybe a little political (Oh noes!). Thanks.
Surviving American 